Hurricane Preparedness

From my sweet friend LD! You know we are heading to San Antonio to hang out with you when the big one hits!

As we enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now you’re going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological hints:  

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed!

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in the Gulf Coast Region!

If you’re new to the area, you’re probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we’ll get hit by “the big one.” Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3. Drive to
Illinois and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay in the Gulf Coast Region
We’ll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:


If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and (2) It is located in Illinois.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in the Gulf Coast Region, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay you money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you’ll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver’s license; if it saysthe Gulf Coast Region,” you live in a low-lying area.  


If you don’t evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! 

Gulf Coast
tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of Spam.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

1.) 23 flashlights; at least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2.) Bleach. (No, I don’t know what the bleach is for. Nobody knows what the bleach is for, but it’s traditional, so get some!)
3.) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4.) A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
5.) A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through a hurricane; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
6.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck, and remember: It’s great living in paradise!


11 Responses to Hurricane Preparedness

  1. Your hurricane survival tips had my wife and I cracking up!

    Interestingly enough, today, around lunchtime, a thunderstorm ripped through our town, and we lost power for about an hour.

    Fortunately, we have a survival radio with a hand generator. Unfortunately, the local radio stations were knocked out when the power went down, leaving us with nothing but static and crappy “Clear Channel” hip-hop and NPR to listen to….


  2. cavmom says:

    Ruh-Roh… It appears as if someone forgot to crank the hand generator at the radio staion.

    Did you implement my survival tips? 😀

  3. Of course! We ran right out to the store and fought over that last can of SPAM!


  4. cavmom says:

    Excellent! You set a fine example to all of America! We are READY for the next storm… just follow all the guidelines.

    I am curious to know what people really do with Spam? Do they make yummy spammiches?

  5. Nah. It’s like a fruitcake. You just give it to the next unsuspecting victim…


  6. Deb Marquis says:

    That was hystirical. When hurrican Charlie hit florida, I sent my husband to the store , let me say that was my first mistake. He came home with 300.00 worth of food and of course the most important item you need for hurricane survial a spatula, yes you read it a spatula, and frozen foods. Let just say when the forcasters perdicted that Sarasota was going to see the eye of the storm, My husband was receiveing my stairing eye. Ha Ha. Forutantly we did not get hit nor lose our power sadly just a few miles south of us got it.

    By the way how is your little trooper? My little trooper Rick is doing great. He got the Darkhorse Hero Award. We are so proud of him.
    Can’t wait to see him.

    Take Care
    Deb Marquis

  7. Here in North Carolina we actually WANT the hurricane to hit us since we need rain.

  8. cavmom says:

    Deb, That is so funny! We all need a hurricane spatula. I will need to add it to my kit. 🙂

    Give Rick a big WAHOOOOO and hug from us! I hope they feature Rick in the monthly write-up! I will be sending you an email later this week… trying to knock out a couple contracts in the next couple days.

  9. cavmom says:

    TT- Did you get any of tropical storm GABRIELLE? We were thinking about you this weekend.

    Hugs to your family

  10. cavmom says:

    Well shucks, I was sure you would get something out of this storm.

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